who cares about what your hair looks like? it has nothing to do with who you are. your “perfect” body is only perfect to those consisting of imperfections, they just want you to fuck, and it is sad to say that you mean nothing to them. your beautiful eyes are lost in a world filled with hate and your satisfaction lies beneath a frail layer of temporary highs. you drink to grow comfortable with who you pretend to be, because in this thing we call ‘reality,’ you are no more than what they expect.

just kidding. no, but in all honesty: whenever most people think about all that they want in a relationship, they automatically assume that they don’t deserve it or that they’re asking for too much so it won’t happen. but whenever you know what you’re looking for, you know, through experience, you deserve it and there is someone out there for you. that is what dating experience is all about, so you can discover what it is that you deserve in a relationship. but if you’re continuously settling for less than what you deserve, that is all you will keep getting.

when someone you know dies and it doesn’t feel real, its because it isn’t real. they didn’t really die, they’re still here, they’re still a part of this universe, their energy is still a part of this entire creation as a whole. like how we learn in science, energy cannot be created or destroyed. their energy is still with the infinity of this universe and its fucking beautiful because that means that they’re experiencing life as something else that we couldn’t even fathom in this life time. there’s nothing to worry about.

we're all walking around with these glossy eyes. "im just tired," we say. but you what? it's bullshit. yes, we are tired, but it's not all from lack of sleep. we are tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things we find no enjoyment in doing. we're tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over us even though our days are packed. we're tired of the loneliness that presses down on us even though we're surrounded by people. so why can't we just say it? humans are so afraid to look into each other's eyes and say, "i am unhappy, i am broken, i am hopeless and fallible." we've been conditioned to associate the pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared. well, i say screw all of that. screw forced smiles and polite handshakes and i'm fine, thank yous. screw the fear of crying in a public place, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we spit out to cover up our problems. we are humans. we are meant to feel. to feel everything and to feel it all openly. we are not metal - we are flesh and bone. our boiled blood courses through our cold, clammy hands. we are intricate and beautiful and we should never hide our human parts, because if we do, then what's left to show?

you see i used to fear being alone, but like batman taught me: to face your fear you must become your fear. so this is me, cherishing my solitude. i have everything going for me and i have so many reasons to be happy right now. so instead of focusing on the tiny problems, im beginning to step back and take a look at the entire picture, and it's not looking so bad. this is the greatest advice i can ever give, and it feels good exhaling all the hate. don't let anyone belittle your ambitions or tell you, you cant do something. i believe that you can have everything and anything you want as long as you want it bad enough. so, do you want it bad enough? go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. say no whenever you don’t want to do something. say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. dont fret too much about some mistake you can't undo. maybe you said something you regret, or took advantage of someone who has been there for you. sometimes a person must be judged by their intentions rather than actions. decide whether you want to be liked or admired. decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. we all have so much potential, son. what are you gonna do with it?

i don't care for rationality or better judgment anymore. im sick of being stepped on, hurled around, and expected to laugh it off. im tired whats never good enough and im tired of trying really hard for nothing. my anger isn't in need of being disposed, its needed of heavy duty uncontrolled hot-right-out-of-the-fucking-oven-bitch damage. im tired of caring how people perceive me as, and i wont hold back anymore on the taunts and incessant hate. i wont. a person can only be pushed so far. so please, bring it and dont hold back.

mm. take this as advice, and do something beautiful with it. writing about it isn't good enough anymore.

1. to save someone.
- i want to write something that means something to someone. i dont have to write a best seller or save the world to know i've won. all i want is to help someone, just one person, and know that what i write matters to somebody. if i could just do that, save someone, i might even be able to save myself.
2. to originate.
- i want to create something. something that is me in every aspect. something thats out there for the world to see and maybe i'll find out a little bit more about me.
3. to love.
- i want to love and be loved and to earn and have it returned. to look in the mirror and smile and not cry, for who i am. at the end of the day, all we truly have are our memories, and if i could just be a part of that; carve my name into someone else and be remembered for what it's worth. let me be that: a part of your world. if i can have that, i know my job is done.

i stood here three months ago a changed heart. same body, different soul. a much weaker soul that held faith in things that weren’t worth the hurt or the pain. i remember the bus driver was frustrated due to a mix up with the ticketing machine, and i cried the way home. i cried when i walked through my front door to see a happy tail wagging back and forth and i cried trying to keep the hurt from him. i called a friend and cried on the phone and cried again when i met her up. i even cried myself to sleep and found myself waking up crying. i was unguarded and put faith in the wrong places, trusted the wrong people, and my heart, like everything else, was a mess strewn across the floor. however, i am not who i was that day. we are not who we were and we are not who we are going to be. today i keep my heart on my sleeve and stand much taller and wiser and remember the pain as a lesson how only the strongest survive and you must stand taller than the ones who hurt you because in life, you must be selfish for you can’t give out everything you have because in the end you are left with nothing. this drama and these rumors; it’s not a game or a search for attention. it’s my life. you can only build yourself to understand another when you have come to understand yourself.

im here. i love you. i dont care if you need to stay up crying all night long, i will stay with you. if you need the medication again, go ahead and take it- i will love you through that, as well. if you don't need the medication, i will love you, too. there's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. i will protect you until you die, and after your death i will still protect you. i am stronger than depression and i am braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

maybe sometime in the future i could write it all down into a story. all of the dreams; everything. it would be a part of me, out there in the world, for everyone to see.