i write only because there is a voice within me that will not be still.
now go bugger off and do something useful like telling her you love her.
and now there's nothing holding you back.
when you wake up in the middle of the night and everything is pitch black and silent, that's when time matters the most. you wake up feeling lost in another world when you're really in the same one you've always been in. it's time to wake up. you've lost your self control. there's no restraint, no will power. the ropes around your hands have come untied and now there's nothing holding you back.
(photo: italy, 2010)
this is not about you. no seriously.
what do you want? what is it, stop complaining nobody cares when you keep your heart in a box. do you want to be happy or sad or misconstrued or fucked up, messed up, whatevers up because they tell you to? aren't you so fucking sick of hearing it already, that you're not good enough and you're not pretty enough and what you say doesn't matter because at the end of the day they want to beat you and screw with you and feed on your failure because they can. they can push you real hard until you fall or break or lose or cry when they are just as scared and lonely as you are and that proving it will make it better and they don't realize that they're digging a hole just as deep. don't you want to be happy and beautiful and accomplished and real and feel things that not many people can feel and that is kind and generous and good. never ever reject or deny your true feelings because this is your life and dont live it for anybody else so do what makes you happy and i promise you that it’s worth every single ounce of disapproval.
i tricked you, so that i could finally move on. god it feels so good. im free.
advice: do it like a truck.
just kidding. no, but in all honesty: whenever most people think about all that they want in a relationship, they automatically assume that they don’t deserve it or that they’re asking for too much so it won’t happen. but whenever you know what you’re looking for, you know, through experience, you deserve it and there is someone out there for you. that is what dating experience is all about, so you can discover what it is that you deserve in a relationship. but if you’re continuously settling for less than what you deserve, that is all you will keep getting.
so far away, that you stop being afraid of not coming back.
you see i used to fear being alone, but like batman taught me: to face your fear you must become your fear. so this is me, cherishing my solitude. i have everything going for me and i have so many reasons to be happy right now. so instead of focusing on the tiny problems, im beginning to step back and take a look at the entire picture, and it's not looking so bad. this is the greatest advice i can ever give, and it feels good exhaling all the hate. don't let anyone belittle your ambitions or tell you, you cant do something. i believe that you can have everything and anything you want as long as you want it bad enough. so, do you want it bad enough? go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. say no whenever you don’t want to do something. say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. dont fret too much about some mistake you can't undo. maybe you said something you regret, or took advantage of someone who has been there for you. sometimes a person must be judged by their intentions rather than actions. decide whether you want to be liked or admired. decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. we all have so much potential, son. what are you gonna do with it?
i mean, people are expecting me to fuck up. no one likes reading about happy-go-lucky-louise stuff? no, they wanna hear me bitching to the world about how insanely i despise my life. ha, not this time.
the world is our playground.
mm. take this as advice, and do something beautiful with it. writing about it isn't good enough anymore.
advice: how to escape hate?
i have so much hate in my body my teeth tend to clench up, my nails dig into my skin, and i don't know how to dispose of it. anger is a by-product of emotional pain and the only person it harms, is the one harboring the hate. i suppose stepping back and thinking of the multitude of reasons i'm hurting, whether it was intentional or not and trying to get some fresh perspective on the whole, could clear my clouded thoughts. it’s inevitable that we will face some disappointments, rejections and frustrations, it’s all part and parcel of being alive.
the opposite of hatred is love, and that's why getting rid of hatred is so difficult. its a strong searing vanquish. you can neglect it; pretend you're fine, but then you're hoarding this massive lie with you and forcing yourself to believe it. it's like saying "i don't care." that would be a lie you'd have to repeat to yourself until you believed it, and you'd still be believing a lie. it's like capping a volcano and calling it extinct.
do you like and respect yourself? has what this other person did, that hurt you, cause you to doubt yourself? do you fear there is a grain of truth in what they said or did that you don't like seeing in yourself? when you are honest with yourself and face the fact that you are human and as such not perfect, nor is anyone else, then you can come to control your hurts and anger. perhaps you were disappointed in someone you thought better of and felt betrayed by their actions and because you don't know their reasons for doing what they did, you allow it to eat at you. cut the other person some slack, and yourself as well. you are going to be hurt and angry a great many times in your life but once you acknowledge it, put it away. everything happens for a purpose, you probably don't have all the facts and you allow it to color your personality. understanding and being honest with yourself is the key to learning to manage your emotions. if it hurts, you still care. acknowledge it, move forward.
it hurts, i still care and i know that. i suppose that is the first step.
