so, my brother got me a website for christmas?
i suppose ill be adding my school and philosophy blog and whatever else more on there that, i guess i wanna share on the internet. yep. so its officially:
www.louiseplace.se
www.louiseplace.se
i write only because there is a voice within me that will not be still.
now go bugger off and do something useful like telling her you love her.
to the apartment overlooking the sea.
i will be realistic with myself. i can get lost in my dreams. so lost that reality hurts when it hits you on the side of the head, but i also know that dreaming is nothing if no action is put into it. expectations are predecessors of disasters and the more you build something up in your mind, the faster the walls will crumble down by the impact of reality. tonight is the night i will seize the moment with my shaky hands. i have to catch a dream before it flees within a passing second or else i’m in for a rude awakening. may my life be a serendipitous collision of events and destiny, and lead me to the apartment overlooking the sea.
i must wait for your next hello.
i could feel your heated stare burning against my back as i tried to remain cool and collected with composure. yet it’s my conscience that tames the wild manifestation of passion building up in my heart. i wish our inner beasts would take hold of our dispositions and reveal the true nature of our feelings. and so you remembered my name. your lips played with it as the sound rolled off your tongue and resounded in your mouth. it was such a lovely tune. i wish you could sing it to me but for now, i must wait for your next hello.
ten different things i want to say to ten different people right now:
- you’ve made such a difference in my life yet i’m constantly afraid of losing you.
- i don’t hate you i’m just jealous.
- why did you leave? i was so young and it was at the time i needed you most.
- the years i saw you lay on the couch and slowly die are why i’m depressed.
- just because you provide us with tangible materialistic crap doesn’t make up for you never being here/caring.
- you’ve ruined me.
- you’ve become like a mother to me, i forgot what it felt like to genuinely be loved and cared for. you’re one of the most important people in my life and i wish i told you that more.
- i miss you.
- show me. everything.i
- i love you and you mean a lot to me but i never want to meet you and i regret becoming friends with you.
i was as hollow and empty as the spaces between the stars.
sometimes when my limbs ache i can't tell if it is because i am tired of genuinely hurting or yearning to get out and run fast for miles until i lose all feeling and drown in stupefaction. i was as hollow and empty as the spaces between the stars.
and now we can have it.
<3
and now there's nothing holding you back.
when you wake up in the middle of the night and everything is pitch black and silent, that's when time matters the most. you wake up feeling lost in another world when you're really in the same one you've always been in. it's time to wake up. you've lost your self control. there's no restraint, no will power. the ropes around your hands have come untied and now there's nothing holding you back.
(photo: italy, 2010)
existence precedes essence.
your voice was shaking and your body was weak. your bones were shattering and you could barely stand. you did all that you could to stand up straight; to pretend that you had the slightest bit of confidence, but we all knew there was nothing there. you never were much of anything. a pile of dust that blew away with the wind.
(photo: greece, 2010)
murder.
good things have been steering clear of me lately. you see i had a situation that sucked almost everything out of me and even looking back is difficult. i've been too afraid to write or speak about it because i've been doing so well avoiding everything. but god. am i, happy. i can honestly say i've been trapped, under these chains, for almost two years now. for the first time in a very long time i am genuinely happy, happy for who i am. sometimes when really terrible things happen to to a person, their skin heals a lot thicker. looking back, one decision could have changed it all, and i suppose i will never really know. we are all so young and i am free.
i am living for what couldn't. ha.
this is not about you. no seriously.
what do you want? what is it, stop complaining nobody cares when you keep your heart in a box. do you want to be happy or sad or misconstrued or fucked up, messed up, whatevers up because they tell you to? aren't you so fucking sick of hearing it already, that you're not good enough and you're not pretty enough and what you say doesn't matter because at the end of the day they want to beat you and screw with you and feed on your failure because they can. they can push you real hard until you fall or break or lose or cry when they are just as scared and lonely as you are and that proving it will make it better and they don't realize that they're digging a hole just as deep. don't you want to be happy and beautiful and accomplished and real and feel things that not many people can feel and that is kind and generous and good. never ever reject or deny your true feelings because this is your life and dont live it for anybody else so do what makes you happy and i promise you that it’s worth every single ounce of disapproval.
i tricked you, so that i could finally move on. god it feels so good. im free.
temporary highs.
who cares about what your hair looks like? it has nothing to do with who you are. your “perfect” body is only perfect to those consisting of imperfections, they just want you to fuck, and it is sad to say that you mean nothing to them. your beautiful eyes are lost in a world filled with hate and your satisfaction lies beneath a frail layer of temporary highs. you drink to grow comfortable with who you pretend to be, because in this thing we call ‘reality,’ you are no more than what they expect.
advice: do it like a truck.
just kidding. no, but in all honesty: whenever most people think about all that they want in a relationship, they automatically assume that they don’t deserve it or that they’re asking for too much so it won’t happen. but whenever you know what you’re looking for, you know, through experience, you deserve it and there is someone out there for you. that is what dating experience is all about, so you can discover what it is that you deserve in a relationship. but if you’re continuously settling for less than what you deserve, that is all you will keep getting.
when someone you know dies.
when someone you know dies and it doesn’t feel real, its because it isn’t real. they didn’t really die, they’re still here, they’re still a part of this universe, their energy is still a part of this entire creation as a whole. like how we learn in science, energy cannot be created or destroyed. their energy is still with the infinity of this universe and its fucking beautiful because that means that they’re experiencing life as something else that we couldn’t even fathom in this life time. there’s nothing to worry about.
what's left to show?
we're all walking around with these glossy eyes. "im just tired," we say. but you what? it's bullshit. yes, we are tired, but it's not all from lack of sleep. we are tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things we find no enjoyment in doing. we're tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over us even though our days are packed. we're tired of the loneliness that presses down on us even though we're surrounded by people. so why can't we just say it? humans are so afraid to look into each other's eyes and say, "i am unhappy, i am broken, i am hopeless and fallible." we've been conditioned to associate the pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared. well, i say screw all of that. screw forced smiles and polite handshakes and i'm fine, thank yous. screw the fear of crying in a public place, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we spit out to cover up our problems. we are humans. we are meant to feel. to feel everything and to feel it all openly. we are not metal - we are flesh and bone. our boiled blood courses through our cold, clammy hands. we are intricate and beautiful and we should never hide our human parts, because if we do, then what's left to show?