i suppose ill be adding my school and philosophy blog and whatever else more on there that, i guess i wanna share on the internet. yep. so its officially:

www.louiseplace.se

sometimes when my limbs ache i can't tell if it is because i am tired of genuinely hurting or yearning to get out and run fast for miles until i lose all feeling and drown in stupefaction. i was as hollow and empty as the spaces between the stars.

<3

your voice was shaking and your body was weak. your bones were shattering and you could barely stand. you did all that you could to stand up straight; to pretend that you had the slightest bit of confidence, but we all knew there was nothing there. you never were much of anything. a pile of dust that blew away with the wind.

good things have been steering clear of me lately. you see i had a situation that sucked almost everything out of me and even looking back is difficult. i've been too afraid to write or speak about it because i've been doing so well avoiding everything. but god. am i, happy. i can honestly say i've been trapped, under these chains, for almost two years now. for the first time in a very long time i am genuinely happy, happy for who i am. sometimes when really terrible things happen to to a person, their skin heals a lot thicker. looking back, one decision could have changed it all, and i suppose i will never really know. we are all so young and i am free.

when someone you know dies and it doesn’t feel real, its because it isn’t real. they didn’t really die, they’re still here, they’re still a part of this universe, their energy is still a part of this entire creation as a whole. like how we learn in science, energy cannot be created or destroyed. their energy is still with the infinity of this universe and its fucking beautiful because that means that they’re experiencing life as something else that we couldn’t even fathom in this life time. there’s nothing to worry about.

we're all walking around with these glossy eyes. "im just tired," we say. but you what? it's bullshit. yes, we are tired, but it's not all from lack of sleep. we are tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things we find no enjoyment in doing. we're tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over us even though our days are packed. we're tired of the loneliness that presses down on us even though we're surrounded by people. so why can't we just say it? humans are so afraid to look into each other's eyes and say, "i am unhappy, i am broken, i am hopeless and fallible." we've been conditioned to associate the pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared. well, i say screw all of that. screw forced smiles and polite handshakes and i'm fine, thank yous. screw the fear of crying in a public place, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we spit out to cover up our problems. we are humans. we are meant to feel. to feel everything and to feel it all openly. we are not metal - we are flesh and bone. our boiled blood courses through our cold, clammy hands. we are intricate and beautiful and we should never hide our human parts, because if we do, then what's left to show?

i don't care for rationality or better judgment anymore. im sick of being stepped on, hurled around, and expected to laugh it off. im tired whats never good enough and im tired of trying really hard for nothing. my anger isn't in need of being disposed, its needed of heavy duty uncontrolled hot-right-out-of-the-fucking-oven-bitch damage. im tired of caring how people perceive me as, and i wont hold back anymore on the taunts and incessant hate. i wont. a person can only be pushed so far. so please, bring it and dont hold back.

1. to save someone.
- i want to write something that means something to someone. i dont have to write a best seller or save the world to know i've won. all i want is to help someone, just one person, and know that what i write matters to somebody. if i could just do that, save someone, i might even be able to save myself.
2. to originate.
- i want to create something. something that is me in every aspect. something thats out there for the world to see and maybe i'll find out a little bit more about me.
3. to love.
- i want to love and be loved and to earn and have it returned. to look in the mirror and smile and not cry, for who i am. at the end of the day, all we truly have are our memories, and if i could just be a part of that; carve my name into someone else and be remembered for what it's worth. let me be that: a part of your world. if i can have that, i know my job is done.

i stood here three months ago a changed heart. same body, different soul. a much weaker soul that held faith in things that weren’t worth the hurt or the pain. i remember the bus driver was frustrated due to a mix up with the ticketing machine, and i cried the way home. i cried when i walked through my front door to see a happy tail wagging back and forth and i cried trying to keep the hurt from him. i called a friend and cried on the phone and cried again when i met her up. i even cried myself to sleep and found myself waking up crying. i was unguarded and put faith in the wrong places, trusted the wrong people, and my heart, like everything else, was a mess strewn across the floor. however, i am not who i was that day. we are not who we were and we are not who we are going to be. today i keep my heart on my sleeve and stand much taller and wiser and remember the pain as a lesson how only the strongest survive and you must stand taller than the ones who hurt you because in life, you must be selfish for you can’t give out everything you have because in the end you are left with nothing. this drama and these rumors; it’s not a game or a search for attention. it’s my life. you can only build yourself to understand another when you have come to understand yourself.

im here. i love you. i dont care if you need to stay up crying all night long, i will stay with you. if you need the medication again, go ahead and take it- i will love you through that, as well. if you don't need the medication, i will love you, too. there's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. i will protect you until you die, and after your death i will still protect you. i am stronger than depression and i am braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

maybe sometime in the future i could write it all down into a story. all of the dreams; everything. it would be a part of me, out there in the world, for everyone to see.

a lot of you actually don't know why i do what i do. why i laugh when i laugh, and why i cry, when i cry. why i smoke, why i look the way i do, why i have these bruises on my face and speckles on my skin. why i don't expect more from people, why i doubt, why i believe, why i rise in the morning. i could just write it all here. my entire story. but what would be the point? i suppose, i've learned not to give out everything i have. i need proof, proof that it's worth it.

we only write about two feelings: one is the first day of summer when you and all of your friends are standing on the edge of the cliff watching the sun set and being overcome with all of your hopes and dreams at once. the other is when you’re walking alone in the rain and realize you will be alone forever.

do you ever dream so much that you start to scare yourself? i mean, have you ever just withdrawn from reality and made yourself a little home in the quarters of your mind? then you dream up something so ideal and all of sudden you feel little waves of panic wash over you because you've just realized this whole mess you've made in your head. and the scariest thing you realize, is that while you have been living above and beyond what you want in your mind, you haven't really been living in reality, at all.

we all have dreams in our heads and words in our mouths and stories on our skin and ghosts in our heart. we are little haunted houses. we are not broken. we are not broken. 

humans have this tendency to create their own barriers, ultimately limiting their true potentials. it’s funny really, because what is the purpose of this? why do we continue to compare ourselves to others, always thinking that we can never succeed if we are not of the same “standard” as someone else? if we fail, we fail, but at least we made an effort. the true winners are those who can overcome these psychological barriers. this is victory - not in the sense that they “won”, but because they had the strength to overcome their own self-doubt. human beings have much more potential than we give ourselves credit for - we just need to break down a few barriers before we can reach it.

you'd never guess. louise is beginning to find a calm in all she thought was messy about this world. people- dare i say this without cursing my luck- are beginning to meet me half way and stepping out of place to be a good friend. i'm beginning to sort out what is essentially important to keep in my life and disposing of the rest. i thought i would have cared more than i do. i didn't say that i didn't care, though. so until my lungs give out, i will stand one hundred and sixty four centimeters tall.